


Lay Me Down

by kittymannequin



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: AU, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Depression, F/F, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 16:39:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4229148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittymannequin/pseuds/kittymannequin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, in the midst of it all, Korra is peaceful. Sometimes it's not as hard. But most of the time there's only one thing she keeps telling herself  - "I'm not afraid."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A mostly modern AU - no Avatar<br/>For more of my works visit my profile here and for news about updates, my writing in general and just a bunch of random stuff, mostly filled with Korrasami, follow me on <a href="mannequin.tumblr.com">Tumblr :)</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Doldrums

"Will we be long?" I shift a little in my seat, as much as the space allows, pushing my palms into the car seat before leaning back and settling them on my lap, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.

"Korra, stop being such a bloody bore, live a little!" Opal all but shouts at me, though through a grin, and swats my arm. I try to squirm away but her car is just too tiny.

"Opal, I have 7am practice tomorrow, if we're not home by midnight I'm gonna kill you." I growl at her and she just flips me off, looking straight ahead.

Moments later she starts the car and soon we're off, driving down the curved roads of Republic City suburbs, heading for downtown.

"Is the city really so horrible to you?" She starts and I glance at her.

"I- It's not horrible. It's just... This whole 'going downtown, hanging out at the mall thing ' is just not my thing anymore. I'm just here to train and that's all there is to it."

"You used to love it here." She muses, her voice gentle and warm.

"That was... It was a long time ago." I turn my head to the side window, scouring the scenery rushing past us.

"It was a couple of years ago, Kor. I know you need time but... You- There's nothing to be afraid of."

"I'm not afraid!" I turn to her hastily, my voice hoarse, and she's already looking at me, her eyes full of nothing but compassion and my expression softens at the sight.

"Kor-"

Someone behind us honks and Opal stirs, pokes her head out her open window and flips the guy off. "Fuck off, jerkface!"

I see her turning back but I glance to the side before our eyes can meet and I can hear the sigh that she lets out as she returns to the task at hand.

_I'm not afraid._

The radio starts playing and I simply glance at her - she's humming along and bobbing her head to the rhythm of some catchy summer song, one I used to know well but now... Now it doesn't matter anymore if I do or do not. I don't feel like singing anyway.

"If you wanna go back I'll drive you." Opal breaks the silence - the one between us.

I consider for a moment, glancing outside. The sun's still up but by the time we get there it will already have set and we'll have to drive back when it's dark out; the dark - it seems to be the only thing I see these days.

Before I can think on it more, Opal's voice brings me back from the solitude of my thoughts.

"Kor?"

I turn to face her and all I see in her eyes is a silent, sincere plea. I've told her off so many times and I can't bear to say 'no' yet again.

“Nah, let’s go to the mall.” I say with a sheepish smile and I feel a tugging in my chest as she smiles back at me, her eyes almost shining with joy.

Sometimes I forget how much she cares for me and my wellbeing. And how much she must miss me… I miss her too. I miss all of them.

Soon enough, we reach our destination and I can already see the gigantic building at the end of the long street, a lot of people, all the bustling and rushing of the crowd. It starts a low, silent rumble in my belly. It’ a nagging discomfort which I try to push away by taking deep breaths and gripping the armrest tightly. It doesn’t really help all that much.

“Ready?” Opal mumbles as she looks over to me, already half way out of the car.

“Yeah.” I smile, even though I’m all too well aware of my breathing becoming faster, the thumping of my heart in my ears and the cold feeling spreading from the top of my neck to the small of my back.

_I’m not afraid._

I pull the handle, pushing the door open, and Opal’s already by my side, my chair pulled next to the door. She looks at me apologetically and I know exactly what she’s thinking so I smile, sheepishly, trying to offer some sort of reassurance that it’s alright. Even though I know I’m the one that needs reassurance.

“We’ll take it slow. The usual.” Her voice is warm and tinged with sadness.

I spread my arms up in front of myself and feel the warmth of her body pressed against mine as she leans in, slips her arms underneath mine and wraps them tightly around me, pulling me up and out of the car.

As I settle in my wheelchair, the familiar fear is back and all I can do is take a few more deep breaths, just like my trainer has taught me, and hope for the best.

Opal crouches down in front of me, takes my hands into her own and smiles up at me. “We good to go?”

“Yeah.”


	2. Chimera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention in the general summary/note, this is an AU (mostly modern). Also, a slow burn.

_You’ll be okay, Korra. Take my hand, hold on, please, don’t let go. Please, stay with me. Korra!_

“No!” My eyes open wide, heart racing in my chest as I grab the sheets, gripping the fabric as hard as I can, trying to catch my breath, trying to calm myself down. It’s not real. It was just a dream, nothing more than a memory. It’s not real. Glancing around I notice my room is still dark, it must be the middle of the night, again. I’m used to it by now – there hasn’t been a night since then that I’d slept through all of it.

As I lean back there is a knock on the door and a soft, gentle female voice comes from outside. “Korra, sweetie, are you alright?”

“I’m... okay.” I bow my head down as the words leave my mouth.

“Can I come inside?”

“I’m alright, don’t worry about me.” I lie again, trying to settle more comfortably against the pillow.

“Are you sure?” The woman’s voice wavers and I know all she wants is to help me but I know she can’t. No words can help me, neither can her warm embrace.

“I’m alright Pema, thank you. It was just a... A bad dream. I’m alright now, thank you. Good night!” I shift once more and pull the blanket up to my chest, closing my eyes.

“Alright sweetie.” The woman voices and I hear her shuffle her way back to her room.

As I close my eyes the images return and before I know it my eyes are wide open yet again and I’m staring up at the darkness, trying to slow down my breathing.

_I’m not afraid._

“ _Keep telling yourself that, soldier_.” The voice in the back of my mind is as clear as day.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey you.” The man smiles at me, leaning down and pressing a kiss to my cheek and squeezing my shoulder gently before he pulls back with a smile, one that doesn’t quite reach his emerald eyes.

“Hey Bo.” I offer a smile and look away, unable to hold his gaze for longer than a few seconds. It’s too hard seeing the ones you love the most try to smile for you when all they want to do is go home and forget that you- I’m like this, broken and... not me.

“I’m happy you’re here. Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m happy I’m here too. Change of scenery will do me good.” I respond saying what I know he needs to hear, but not necessarily what I feel and look over to Opal approaching us with a wide smile pulled across her lips.

“Hey you two!” She beams at us and I quirk an eyebrow at her as she winks at me. “I’ve got great news.”

“Yeah?” I mumble, looking up at her as Bolin walks around and begins to wheel me forward, slowly. I squirm and almost reach for the wheels but seeing as he’s behind me and I don’t have to watch him faking smiles, I guess it’s better this way. I can swallow my pride – not like I have much of it left anyway.

“Yeah, there’s this new bar opening and someone’s gonna be playing, welcome drinks and stuff... I thought we could go there.” She smiles as she looks down to meet my gaze.

My heart clenches and there’s a throb in my chest. New bar, live music, free drinks... It screams... Memories. It screams people, crowds, noise, rush. My heartbeat speeds up merely at the thought of sitting in the middle of the bar, in this... this prison, chained by invisible shackles, unable to break free, unable to stand up on my own two feet and, and...

“Korra?” Bolin’s voice stirs me from my thoughts.

“Hmm?” I look up over my shoulder, humming the question.

“I asked if you’re okay with that.”

“Oh, sorry, I guess I was somewhere else...”

_Come on soldier, get up._

“We can go somewhere else if you want to.” Opal jumps in and I meet her gaze, she’s smiling but I know she wants to go there.

“I... I don’t know.” I mumble, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.

“How about we do it like this.” We stop moving and Bolin walks over to the side, crouches down and meets my gaze. “We go in, see what it’s like and if the place is shit, we’re out before you can say eggplant?”

I chuckle and, after a long while of feeling nothing but cold, there’s a warm feeling filling my chest. “Yeah, sure. Just stop treating me like a kid, kay?”

“Sorry Kor.” He rubs the back of his neck and stands up quickly, swats me on the arm and walks back around as we start moving once again. “Better?”

“Ya, turd.”

“Good, eggplant.”

I chuckle once more and smile, widely. It feels good, despite the nagging feeling residing deep down in the pit of my stomach.


	3. Wonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it's not all as dark as it seems?

Of all the nights I decide to push the boundaries of my own will, is the one night when half the city decided to come to the bar opening.

“Korra?” Bolin leans in, his voice breaking through my thoughts.

“Yeah?” I catch myself glancing to the side, a pair of unfamiliar green eyes capturing my attention for a moment before I meet Bolin’s gaze. A beer sits tightly in my hands as I try to remain calm while everyone shuffles past me, occasionally bumping into my wheelchair – I guess it’s a side effect, right?

“Mako’s gonna join us in a few, can you keep a lookout on the entrance, I gotta go save Opal,” He straightens up and chuckles, looking away in the distance and I follow his gaze but-

“Bo?” I look back up at him, biting my lower lip as I grip one armrest and he turns to me, his cheeks turning bright red the second he meets my eyes.

He smacks his palm across his forehead and curses loudly before crouching down and laying his forehead on my legs.

“I’m so sorry Korra, I... I’m an idiot, fuck, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine Bo, really. I’m used to it.”

“I’m sorry, I just... Fuck, I wasn’t thinking, man, how could I be such an idiot, of course you couldn’t see from down... there.” He leans back, about to smack his hand over his forehead yet again but I grab it, stopping him and smacking him lightly over his head instead.

“Stop it, you... eggplant.” I grumble and glance into the crowd once more, meeting those same green eyes, before looking back at him with a smirk, “It’s fine, ok?”

_“Of course it’s fine, little girl, it’s not like you can do anything about it, can’t you?”_

“Sorry. I’ll go get her, some guy’s pestering her and she’s been throwing glances my way for a few minutes now and I-“

“What are you waiting for then you dork? Go!” I let out a loud chuckle and he smiles brightly back at me before disappearing in the crowd.

Someone bumps into my wheelchair yet again and I spill a bit of my beer over my legs, a faint, muffled ‘sorry’ comes from the crowd but I’m not sure if it’s directed at me. I doubt it. People don’t seem to notice me being here, really. Hell, it took the waiter three trips to get me the beer in the first place.

I can already feel the fear seeping in, coursing through me. It’s ever-present, really. I can push it away for a while but it never really goes away, it just hides in the shadows and comes back when I lull myself into thinking I’m better. Like a creeping monster snaking it’s distorted hand on my shoulder, trying to get me to turn around.

Unfamiliar pressure on my shoulder brings me back from my thoughts and I shiver, startled. Is it... Here? The monster, it’s here?

I start turning around, as much as I can manage, tilting my head up – a force of habit - but before I can fully comprehend what is going on, a familiar face comes into sight and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“M-Mako?” I stutter with a shaky voice.

“Hey, Korra, you ok?” He smiles lightly, leaning down and pressing a kiss to my cheek, lingering a bit longer than I’d expected him to.

“Y-Yeah, you just startled me. Don’t creep up on people like that, weirdo.”

“S-Sorry.” He rubs the back of his neck and moves to the side, “It’s been a while...”

“Mhm,” I hum in agreement, the images of the last time I’d seen him coming to mind, “A year, right?” I smile, sheepishly, my voice low, “Sit down, Bo and Opal should be back soon.”

 “I will, I just gotta head to the, uh, men’s room for a sec. Be right back.” His lips pull in a small smile and he disappears in the crowd as quickly as he’d appeared.

Green eyes appear once more as soon as Mako’s out of sight but this time I don’t turn away. I hold the gaze. They inch closer with each breath I take and I feel myself breathing faster.

Why?

I connect the dots as the figure comes at arms length and immediately crouches down in front of me, holding my gaze every step of the way.

“Hi.” She speaks in a husky voice.

“H-Hi.” I stutter, taking in the sight of fair skin framed by gorgeous, raven locks and shining jade eyes that feel as if they were piercing through me. I tighten my grip around the bottle in my hands and clear my throat nervously.

“Sorry to disturb you but,” She pauses for a moment, biting her lower lip and by gods, that has to be the sexiest thing ev- _huh –_ er.

“Hm?” I hum, unable to form any sort of comprehensive word.

“My name’s Asami and... I was wondering if I could buy you a drink?”


	4. Jestee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth or dare?

“ _The things I’d do to you_...”

_WHAT?_

I’m sitting five tables away from my friends, they keep poking their heads in my direction, trying to meet my gaze and I’m really not certain how I got here. There’s this... well, gorgeous doesn’t really do her justice but let’s say she’s a dazzling  woman and she’s sitting across from me, her crimson painted lips pulled in a small smile and she’s leaning on her elbows, her face in the palms of her hands. And I think I’m having another panic attack. My heart won’t stop pounding, I can hear its loud thumping in my ears, I’m shaking and what I wouldn’t give to be able to jump up and run away.

_Ain’t gonna happen, soldier._

I whip my head to face her, her words spurring me on and sending wave after wave of different thoughts through my mind. I dare say, even stirring emotions.

“What?”

“I said _am I bothering you_?” She asks.

Ok. So I did hear it wrong.

She quirks an eyebrow and tilts her head to the side and it’s hands down the cutest thing ever. Hell, Naga wasn’t as cute when she was a puppy.

“I- No, no you’re not I’m just, uh, sorry.” I find myself apologizing too much lately but this time it’s justified. I mean, my mind is playing tricks on me, right? My lips curl in a sheepish grin and the shaking begins to dissipate as I reach up, twirling a lock of my hair between my fingers, trying to hold her gaze.

“Korra, was it?” She speaks softly and I nod, trying to smile but my face ends up a distorted grimace and she winces at it before a bubbly laugh escapes her lips. “You’re cute when you’re nervous.”

_What?_

“I-I’m not nervous.” I perk up, my brows furrowing. It’s a lie, of course. Lying has become so easy lately; the words just slip out as if my mouth has a mind of its own. First it was the little ones ‘ _Yes, I’m comfortable; No, I don’t need you to put on my shoes for me,’_ then I moved on to the bigger ones, ‘ _I’m fine; I’ll be alright; Everything’s okay.’_ I feel like those have been on repeat for the past six months.

“Oh, well. If you say so.” She leans back in her chair and – winks?

“Did you just...?” I feel my breathing slowing down and my cheeks grow warmer as I reach out to grab the martini glass sitting on the table in front of me but all I do is tip it to the side and, hadn’t it been for her sharp reflexes, it’d be a puddle on the floor. “S-sorry.” I mutter, vaguely aware of just how shaky my voice is.

 “It’s ok.” She smiles and pulls her hand back. “Did I just... what?” She’s staring at me, her piercing green eyes feel as if they’re scorching through my skin and sinking deep inside my soul.

“N-nothing.” My cheeks have got to be at least a dozen shades of red because they feel as if they’re on fire. I feel as if I’m on fire. Shifting in my seat I manage to lean on the table, pulling myself closer to it. “S-So.”

“So?”

“Uhm, Asami was it?”

“Aww, you forgot already?” She’s teasing me, I know that. I can figure out as much.

I may be a damned cripple but I’m not an idiot. She’s playing some sort of game, probably some sort of dare or something. ‘Date the cripple.’

I glance around, trying to spot someone staring at us, anyone that might serve the purpose of my theory. She’s just doing this as a prank. I’m nervous for nothing.

“Look um, I came here with my friends and I should probably get back so if you don’t mind I’d like to get go-“

She leans forward, a little more than necessary, and suddenly we’re very close, my breath hitches when her perfume washes over me. Vanilla and jasmine.

“Tell me something about yourself at least, before you go.” She mumbles, her voice loud enough only for me to hear.

_Tell you something about myself? Hm..._

I glance to the side and thousands of imagines are spinning inside me head, memories, wishes, dreams and in the midst of it all I come to realize that I have no idea what to tell her. I glance back at her and she has a silly – _cute? –_ and confused expression on her face but her lips quickly curl up in a smile and if things were different, if this here wasn’t me or if I was... _me_ , this is exactly when I’d tell her to cut the crap and take her home with me.

“Look, I’ve nothing to say about myself. There’s nothing even remotely interesting about me, I’m as boring and uneventful as an 8am math class.” I keep my eyes set on hers, my lips pursed. There, now I can go back to Bo and Opal and have them drive me home.

I’ve had enough of socializing, people, crowds and just... I just need to get home, I need my bed. And I wanna read a few comics. A good dose of Groucho Marx will do me good. At least it’ll push away the thoughts.

She, however... She’s relentless.

“But I’m an early bird. And I’ve got a thing for math.” She says with a smile. 

 


	5. Demise

Some days waking up isn’t as bad. I open my eyes, the sun’s already up, the blue of my walls is soothing and warm and Pema – warm, caring, wonderful Pema - is already at my door, ready to help me out of bed.

Other days are not so good.

Mostly I find myself waking up before dawn, around 4am. I never liked it, that time. The sky’s always somewhere in between – neither blue nor yellow, not warm but not cold either. It’s all a haze and the colour of my walls seems colder than usual, even suffocating and there’s the issue of me, stuck in my bed for the next few hours, waiting for Pema to come by and help me out of bed.

Today is one of those days.

As I open my eyes, the gunshots still echoing in my mind even though the dream – the nightmare – is over, I stir and try to will my legs to move but, nothing happens. They say hope is a tough nut to crack but day by day I feel it breaking down. Piece by piece, as if each day chisels away what’s left of my hope and it’s becoming something I can’t quite recognize.

I glance over to the clock on the bedside table, 5am. I never did like mornings, I always used to say they’re evil and mom always laughed whenever she tried to drag me out of bed and help me get ready for school. I should text her, I know she misses me. But what do I tell her?

I glance at the clock once more, hopeful yet again, but I’ve been alone with my thoughts only for a minute. Two more hours and I won’t feel so cold.

“Two more hours...” I chant the words over and over, and feel a haze creep up on me as I close my eyes and another restless slumber takes over...

 

* * *

 

 

_“Just give us the kid and you can walk away.” The man speaks in a low voice, his gun pointed at me._

_“No. Put the gun down. I’ll let you walk away, just put the gun down.” The surroundings seem clear but he can’t be alone, there’s got to be more of them here. I need to be careful. I pull Jinora closer to myself, shielding her with my body and face the man once more._

_“Give me the girl and you’re free to go. You’ve got nothing with politics, and she’s nothing to you.”_

_“SHE has nothing to do with whatever it is you’re trying to achieve. Turn away now and no one will know about this.” My eyes trail over his figure as I try to etch his image into my memory as best as I can._

_He begins to draw his gun away and I let out a shaky breath, the thumping of my heart resonating through my ears. Before I can make it out, there’s a sudden movement to my right and a hard piece of metal connects with the back of my head. Jinora screams, I’m crying out in pain and catch the sight of the figure in front of me moving forward before I’m down on my knees. As my hand shoots up to the back of my head, fingertips brushing over hot, sticky liquid, I glance up and there’s three- no, five of them. I knew it._

_One of them pulls me away from Jinora and the one with the gun has it pointed to the back of my head, I can feel the cold of the metal pressed against the back of my skull._

_“Korra!” Jinora cries out and then I hear the sound of the trigger and a loud, booming noise right behind me and then sharp, burning pain at the small of my back as I fall face down on the ground._

_But I’m not... Dead?_

_“You idiot, look what you did, now she’s half dead!” Another male voice comes from the side and a foot connects with my side and pushes me onto my back._

_“The girl jumped and pushed me, what the fuck was I supposed to do!”_

_“You were supposed to kill her, you idiot!”_

_The pain’s spreading through me and then another blow to my side comes as the man grabs Jinora and pulls her to the side._

_“Korra, no! Leave her, you jerk, stop it!” Jinora’s voice is loud and hoarse, she’s almost lost it from all the crying but she’s trying. She’s still trying, for me._

_I’m lying on the floor, my heart’s just a sad little thump from time to time as blow by blow hits my left side, I don’t know for how long but I’m betting there’s not much left of my ribs there. The wound stings, horribly, and I try to shift but – I can’t feel my legs. And then a foot connects with my face and I cry out in pain as I fall back down on my back, the wound slamming against the hardwood floor. I can’t feel my legs._

_If I don’t get up, I’m going to bleed out and..._

_“Ji...” I try to speak her name but no words come out. Instead, there’s only blood, everywhere. “Nora...” I manage to mumble through the mixture of blood and saliva in my mouth and take one more glance at her before my eyes start to close and I feel another blow to my side._

_“Come on you little shit.” The man speaks, his voice rough as he slams his foot against me. His hand is suddenly gripping my hair and pulling me up and I manage to force my eyes open, only to meet his loathsome gaze._

_“What’s the matter, soldier?”_

_He let’s go of my hair and fall back down again before turning to the man beside him and mumbling, “Leave her, she’s half dead anyway. And kill the girl.”_

_My gaze shifts to the side and I blink – once, twice - this is a dream._

_I know it is. No, not a dream... A nightmare I relive every night. No... I can’t, I don’t want to see it, I can’t anymore... No, let me wake up, please, wake up goddamn it, wake up!_

_And then everything changes, rapidly, the alleyway is gone, no more brick walls, no shadow of the night, no sky above me – only a big, white room and a man behind Jinora, with a gun pointed to the back of her head._

_BANG._

 

* * *

 

“Korra, it’s just a dream, Korra wake up, Korra!”

 


	6. Vertex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a low must come a high.

“Hey, Korra, you wanna join us for a few drinks?” One of my teammates, Kuvira, asks as I’m about to wheel myself out of the changing room and head outside.

Usually, I’d simply turn my head and continue, mumbling a silent ‘sorry, can’t, got things to do’ – what things? -  but tonight the situation’s different and she needs a proper apology. I let out a soft sigh and turn myself around to face her, trying to sound as confident as possible.

“Uh, n-no. I can’t, not tonight, sorry Kuvira. Girls. I’ve-”

“Come on Korra, snap out of it. Come on, just one drink. You can’t stay in your room forever, you know?” She’s sitting in her wheelchair on the far side of the room, I can feel her glare from way over there.

“I’m not!” I whine, “I’ve got a-“ Can I really say it out loud? If I do, will that make it real? ‘Cause this whole things still seems surreal. Or will it make it more real, for that matter? I don’t know which one scares me more...

I scratch the back of my arm and look up, opening my mouth to finish giving her my answer but Kuvira interrupts.

“You’ve got a what? A new comic book to read? Or maybe some more reruns of that god-awful show you’re watching?”

I hear the girls snicker and I glare at a few of them even though... It’s the truth. That’s what I always do, isn’t it? Hurry back to Tenzin’s as soon as practice is over, hoping I don’t meet anyone along the way and keeping my head down as soon as I’m in the house, just so I don’t have to see them. It’s still too hard.

“Or are you just gonna spend the night sulking?” She’s wheeling herself closer, her muscles twitching from the action, a small smirk playing across her lips.

Kuvira’s been on the team even before... everything, and long before I joined them. Tenzin suggested I join the volleyball team and to be honest, it was a good idea. Keeps my mind off of things and gets me to actually do something. She’s the only one stronger than me – even with everything, my operations, recovery, loosing muscles and falling to a horribly low weight, I’ve managed to maintain quite a lot of my old form. Still, despite all that ‘strength’, I should really try to talk my way out of this misunderstanding before she decides to punch me. Or worse.

_Well, get up soldier, run away. Oh right, you can’t._

“Shut up.” I mumble, aware it’s not meant for her, I’m just trying to silence the voice down but her eyes shoot up and yeah, she’s about to kick my fucking ass. “Shit, Kuv, I didn’t-“

“You fucking shithead. Stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself. Look at yourself! You fucking idiot!” She’s huffing, her breath’s catching in her throat but she keeps going, even though we’re not alone in the room and the other girls can’t really do much but stay where they are and listen. “You’re a fucking shithead, you know? Look at you, getting better and shit! You can walk, for fucks sakes!” She raises her arms in the air, flailing them around.

“Kuvir-“

“Zip it, shitface! You can fucking walk, you’re getting better! They fixed your fucking spine now just fix your goddamn self and stop being such a goddamn.... UGH!” She lets out a loud groan and her head falls in her hands.

I almost reach down for my wheels, wanting to move closer to her and tell her that I’m trying and that she’ll be better and yes – she’s right. 

But she continues, in what’s almost a whisper.  “I wish I...” She looks up, meeting my gaze. “I wish I was that lucky, Korra. I wish I could walk. All you need to do is... Is train. Work on it.” Her eyes fill up with tears, they’re brimming against those shining pools of green, “You need to help yourself get better. Instead... you dwell on the past.”

“Kuvira, I’m not, I won’t-“ I start but she waves me away.

“I can’t, Korra. I’ve tried so hard to reach you. But this isn’t me or us... It’s no one, anymore. It’s you. I know it’s hard but –“ Her gaze remains steady, even though her voice wavers.  “It wasn’t your fault.” Her hands fall back to the wheels and she turns around, wheeling herself back to her locker.

Silence wraps around us like old friends meeting for the first time in years. So closely, tightly even, breathtakingly. Its coy presence is replaced by a malicious, ruinous ubiquity and it takes all the breath out of my lungs. I feel the need to cough, to stop this clenching in my chest - I need to break the silence.

“You’re right, Kuv.” I utter with unease.

“I don’t care, Korra.” She mutters under her breath and this time I turn around and move closer to her, reach out and place a hand on her shoulder. She tries to shrug it off but I squeeze harder.

“I’m sorry, okay?”

“Look, Korra. Really, just... leave. Okay? I can’t do this right now and I need you to leave my sight before I do what I’ve wanted to for a while now.” Her voice is unlike anything I’ve heard so far and I know I should listen and she’s right but, she needs to know.

“Kuvira, I’m not-“

“KORRA.” She grumbles through gritted teeth.

Now she’s pissing me off. As messed up as I may be, that damned flame inside me just won’t go off, will it? Well, how about it starts up now?

“You fucking idiot.” I mutter as I form a fist and punch her in the shoulder, as hard as I can manage and, even if it’s nothing, I know she’ll feel enough of my rage. From the side of my eye I see the rest of the girls slowly trickle out and soon enough, we’re left all alone.

“What did you say?” She finally speaks after a long, torturous silence.

“You heard me well enough, Kuvira. Now turn the fuck around so I can punch you in that pretty little face of yours, you twat.”

And she does. She turns around but – she’s grinning. Her lips are pulled in the widest grin I’ve seen in... Well, ever since I’ve known her. Her shoulders are shaking and she’s trying real hard no to laugh but a chuckle escapes her and she reaches out, trying to grasp me into her arms.

Kuvira doesn’t touch people. She doesn’t hug, doesn’t embrace others, she’s not prone to physical contact. So this – whatever it is – I’m stumped.

I lean in, confused, and let her do as she pleases before feeling a pair of arms pulling at me and settling around my shoulders.

“You finally said something.” She mumbles through her chuckling.

My hands move on their own and I pull her closer to myself, settling my head in the crook of her neck and letting out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.

“I just wanted to tell you something, you idiot.” I mumble into her shoulder, trying to will away the tears that are welling up in my eyes.

“Shut it. I’m... I’m so proud of you Korra.” She squeezes harder and I chuckle, returning the effort. She squeezes once more before pulling away, staring into my eyes. “So? What did you wanna tell me?” Her voice is back to the strong, fearless one.

“I’ve got a date tonight.” A smirk plays on my lips and I revel in her reaction.

The flailing of her arms, that wide stretch of her eyes followed by a stunned, most likely dubious glint and the wonder in her voice when she shouts ‘ _You’ve got to be shitting me!’_  is probably the best reaction I’ll ever get out of her. What follows - a hard, almost nocuous smack over my shoulder - is completely and utterly worth it.  

 

 


	7. Splendor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loosen up, kid.

I’ve never liked dates. I hated them with a passion, actually.

My last girlfriend, Izumi, was the only exception and that was just because well, she meant so much. I still remember the first time I saw her walking out of academy, one hand gripping to the enormous pile of papers she was desperately trying to hold and the other waving a cab over. I tried talking to her so many times I lost count and when I actually did manage to get her attention, all it took to sweep me off my feet was a smile.

I took her on six dates – six bloody times I sweated like a maniac, almost chewed off my lip and nearly ended at the hospital due to high stress levels. After that last date I told her we’re either gonna hang back at my place next time or hers, I really didn’t give a damn, but I’m not doing any more of that stupid ‘let’s go for coffee at a really “cute” cafe and try to impress each other while being nervous as shit’ nonsense. Luckily, she just laughed it off and, as it turned out, she was quite like me.

I was always such an idiot when it came to relationships. 

Lucky for her, she didn’t have to worry about my sorry ass after everything that’d happened, she was smart enough to leave me. I was in a bad place back then and she... She deserves better. Not some miserable, depressed cripple. I’m happy if she is.

_Are you? Are you really?_

 “You sure you wanna do this?”

I snap back from my thoughts and glance down at Opal crouching in front of me, a finger rubbing soothing circles over my thigh. I grip the box of chocolates I’ve been holding in my lap and stare into her eyes, taking a deep breath and letting out a sigh.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I offer a sheepish smile and she complies, albeit hardly swayed by my awkward grimace. She pulls her hand away, smiles back at me and stands up only to lean down and press a kiss on my cheek.

“Well then, have fun, ok?” She eyes me carefully and I can feel her oozing nervousness, I think I’d feel it from miles apart.

“Opal, you’re more nervous than me.” I chuckle and she swats my over my arm, shifting in her spot. “I’ll be okay. I’ll call you when we’re don- uh when I wanna go home.”

She smiles, gently, before mumbling an ‘okay’ and walking past me, ruffling my hair as she runs back to her car giggling.

I yell at her over my shoulder and try to fix it back into a decent state but to no avail. Oh well, it’s not like my looks will impress her.

_Aww, come on Korra, do you actually think anything else will?_

I shake my head, trying to get rid of the thoughts and proceed to wheel myself towards the entrance of the bar but a gentle hand on my shoulder startles me and stops me as I look back over my shoulder, welcomed by a wide smile.

“Hey, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.” Asami murmurs and her mouth continues moving but no words actually come out. Or at least, I’m not hearing them ‘cause really, she’s breathtakingly beautiful.

Her thick raven hair is falling down her shoulders, flowing around her and framing her face perfectly, bringing out her gorgeous green eyes. And wow, they’re really fucking gorgeous. As in, ‘ _wow, your eyes look like peace and love and joy and warmth’_ and really just gorgeous. She’s got a black leather jacket on with a red blouse underneath and _fuck_ I should really look back up ‘cause they way she’s leaning in is certainly _very_ distracting.

_Really? You think you can compete with that?_

I almost mutter the words but I manage to close my mouth before any sound even comes out. “ _I don’t have anything to compete with.”_ I think to myself and finally look back up into her eyes, offering a smile when a really tight, clenching feeling courses through my chest at the sound of her laughter.

“S-Sorry?” I mutter, painstakingly aware of the scorching heat on my probably ten shades of red cheeks. “I-I kinda g-got lost f-for a moment t-there.” I stutter out and almost slap myself across the face. Wow, that’ll certainly make me look better.

“That’s alright,” She smiles and the corners of her lips pull up in a smirk, “I told you already, you’re really cute when you’re nervous.” She winks and before I can make any kind of response, let alone a witty one, she’s behind my wheelchair, pushing me inside the bar.

For a moment, it feels okay. Right, even.

_What, is she gonna wheel you around on every date, huh soldier? Pathetic._

I bite my lip and look back over my shoulder, scoffing. “I can do that myself.” The words come out sharp and I can almost feel her stiffen at them.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” She lets go and steps to the side, looking down at the ground.

_Nice job, soldier._

“No, As-“ I stop, her name feeling awkwardly bitter on my lips, “Asami.” She looks at me and there it is again, that clenching pain in my chest. “You’re- You don’t have to apologize. I didn’t mean it like that.” I pull my hand up, rubbing the back of my neck. “Shall we grab a seat?”

Her eyes widen slightly at my sentence and I realize what I’ve said but then a laughter comes bubbling from somewhere deep within me, a force I cannot and refuse to stop and she smiles and laughs along, her hand pressed against her lips. “Well I guess I’ve got that bit covered already, right?” I mumble through a chuckle and really – why shouldn’t I laugh? It was funny, even if it was just a lapsus linguae.

“I guess you do.” She murmurs and points towards a table at the far end of the cafe, walking off to the side and towards the bartender behind the bar, “What are you having?”

“A beer,” I mumble as I make my way towards the said table, she follows soon after, sitting down across me.

Damn it, here we go again.

She’s staring at me, her green eyes feel almost radiant and as if she’s looking deep into my soul. She shifts, leaning over, elbows on the table, resting her head in her palms. Her lips curl up slowly and - all it takes is a smile.

 


	8. Flicker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to let you guys know that you're all absolute gold and I love you so much! Thank you immensely for all your support, you're the best!

“Really, you think such a lame excuse for a story should even have a place on bookshelves?” Asami asks, smirking at me.

“No, no. Excuse you. I never said it should. If you ask me, that book should be burnt along with the author’s typewriter. Or laptop, whatever.”

“Oh good. I was afraid I’d have to up and leave mid date ‘cause for a second there, I thought you had some really bad taste in literature.”

“You’d leave mid date ‘cause of that?” I shift, slightly, leaning back.

She’s eyeing me, carefully, and finally speaks after a long silence.

“I’m going to have to be more obvious about everything, aren’t I?

I tilt my head to the side, probably looking like a very confused puppy ‘cause her expression changes momentarily. The words come almost as a hushed mumble.

“S-Sorry?”

“Korra, you’ve said sorry exactly thirty four times since we’ve come here. And that’s been two hours ago.”

“Uh, sorry?” I offer a sheepish grin and can’t help a chuckle when she raises her eyebrow and crosses her arms.

“So, what’s the deal with the tattoo?” She glances towards my arm, nodding slightly.

I shrug before rolling up my sleeve further up, revealing the tattoo almost completely. It’s an armband type of tattoo, one I’d gotten way back on my first mission and it’s supposed to symbolize... What is it supposed to symbolize?

I can’t tell anymore. It used to mean something but nowadays, nothing really means much, it’s just a remnant of a time gone by, time I wish I could bring back and relive, a happier, warmer time. Somehow, living feels so cold nowadays.

“Korra?” Asami quips, interrupting my thoughts.

“It’s a, a mark of sorts. I got it eight years ago on my fir-“ I glance to the side and can almost feel her stare. “I got it eight years ago in Nigeria. It’s supposed to represent companionship.”

Asami considers my answer for a few torturous, silent moments but then she lets out a sigh and smiles, meeting my eyes and I’m glad she doesn’t ask any more questions.

I don’t really know what I’d tell her.

“I’m all out of questions.” She finally speaks again, arms still crossed, eyes focused on me. “And you haven’t asked me a single thing all night. Except a few _how about you’s.”_ She shifts in her seat and leans over, setting her hands on the table. “Am I really that boring?”

_You are the boring one, Korra._

“N-no!” The word leaves my mouth before I can even think about it. And that’s good. At least my body’s acknowledging the growing attraction I’m obviously feeling for this woman, even if my mind is so reluctant to even broach the subject.

“Well, then, what is it?” She presses on, a smirk playing on her lips.

I think my heart skips a beat at her words or something really weird happens because there’s that strange clenching in my chest again and I haven’t felt that in years. I find her really attractive, I do. I mean, who doesn’t? We’ve been here a couple of hours and four guys came over, asking to buy her a drink. Four guys. What good am I, anyway?

I’m staring at her, and I know it’s got to be a minute, maybe even more of silence between us but she hasn’t moved, nor stopped smiling. I’ve dismissed the idea of trickery, she doesn’t feel like that sort of person. But why does she bother?

“Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts. I... I’m just not the questioning type, I guess.” Really. I could have at least tried to think of a better excuse. “I mean, I don’t know what to ask you.”

“Well, whatever you wish to know. Assuming, that is, that you are actually interested in finding out something, anything about me.” She takes her drink in her hand and leans back, sipping slowly, eyes never leaving mine.

“I... I don’t know how to do this.”

_You don’t know a lot of things, little girl._

“Korra, if I’m making you uncomfortable, you should just tell me.” She puts the glass back down and glances to the side. “Or if you wanted to leave, you shouldn’t force yourself into staying if you don’t want to.”

I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. She’s right, what am I even doing here? It wasn’t against my will, I agreed to this and at the moment, it looked like a great idea but, I think I’m just hurting her. I’m making her uncomfortable and she’s questioning herself. Damn it.

“I should go.” I finally manage to utter something.

“Oh.” She gasps slightly and I almost want to reach out, or even, even... walk over, and hug her.

I really want to tell her that she’s the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen and that the green in her eyes reminds of a forest my dad used to take me to when I was a kid. That her dark, raven hair falls down her shoulder like a waterfall I’d once seen in Ghana, what was it... Boti falls? I really want to place my hands upon her cheeks, I want to feel if her skin is as soft as I imagine it is, I want to brush my thumbs over them and ki-

_You’ll just ruin another one, soldier._

_“_ Asami, I-“

“It’s alright. I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable,” She slowly stands up, picking up her jacket, “Do you need a ride home?”

“No, I, my friend will come pick me up.”

“Okay then,” She stands next to the table, eyes roaming the place, as if she’s trying really hard not to look at me. I know I’d do the same. “I won’t bother you anymore.”

She walks past me and one last sliver of doubt escapes my lips, I’m certain I’ll hurt her even more but what’s done is done.

“Asami!” I quickly turn myself around, hands on the wheels and I’m ready to push myself towards her but she stops in her tracks, turns around and stares at me with those gorgeous green eyes wide open, something resembling... compassion? And hurt, and want... Familiar things fill them.

“Yes?” She mumbles out and I’m sure even the bartender can hear the hurt in her voice.

“Why did you ask me out?” I have to ask her. I need her to tell me that she just wanted to see what it was like, that she thought she liked me but now she’s realized she doesn’t, I need her to tell me anything to confirm my doubts. I am hurting her.

_You are._

She pulls her hand to her chest and her shoulders slump but she walks towards me nonetheless, crouches down and looks up, staring at me.

“I think you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen and somehow all I’ve managed to do since I met you is think how nice waking up to the sight of them must be.”

 


	9. Hindsight

Days are usually not hard to live through. Sometimes I wake up as I used to as a kid, somewhere around noon and thankfully, nobody tries to wake me up any sooner. They all think I need the rest but in reality, that’s a few less hours of feeling like shit. Whenever I do wake up a bit earlier and Pema helps me out with everything I still need help with, I find it hard to head for breakfast. Not that I don’t like breakfast – hell, I’d eat a buffalo after sleeping. No, passing down the hallway is the part that takes the most strength out of me, it’s the part that makes me wish I wasn’t really there.

Jinora’s room is right next to mine. Or at least, it used to be her room. No one’s touched it since she’s been gone and no one but Tenzin goes there anymore. He locks himself inside once every year, on the day of Jinora’s birthday, and spends the day there. Probably meditating, he seems to be doing that a lot lately. It goes with his whole... Appearance. I hope that’s what he’s doing anyway, at least that way he maybe even reaches some sort of peace?

He used to have so much heart in the fight, he was fierce and so full of spirit, and after everything, he just kind of lost it. Such a brilliant speaker lost a fight to grief, all because of me. Because I couldn’t do my job properly, because I couldn’t save his daughter when that was the only job I was supposed to do.

We talked a few times after it happened, he... they have told me many times that what happened was a thing of the past and that, no matter how hard it may be because the loss wasn’t a small one, we all need to forgive and forget. I remember Pema saying they have nothing to forgive me and that the only one who should be forgiving me is myself. But... How?

 

* * *

 

 

The phone sitting in my lap buzzes and a short ringing follows, notifying me of a text message. I slide a finger over the screen, the sender reads ‘Asami’ and I smile, involuntarily. When did her messages induce this feeling inside me?

**_Asami:_ ** _What is your favourite time of the day?_

**_Korra:_ ** _What?_

**_Asami:_ ** _Come on, answer me._

**_Korra:_ ** _Evenings, I guess...? Why?_

**_Asami:_ ** _:)_

**_Korra:_ ** _Asami?_

She doesn’t reply anymore and I put the phone away, looking up at the woman standing across the room, a smirk playing across her lips.

“Shut it Kya,” I mumble and feel my cheeks suddenly heating up, “Let’s go.”

“I didn’t say anything.” She pushes herself away from the wall and walks over towards me, standing in front of me.

“I know you were thinking it.” I meet her gaze and reach up, letting her slide her arms underneath me as I grip the two railings on each side of me, pulling myself up as she supports me with her arms wrapped tightly around my waist.

“You ready?” I hear her mumble against my frame.

“I guess.”

“No guessing, are you or are you not?”

_I’m not._

“I’m ready.”

As soon as the words leave my mouth her grip loosens and I can already feel the straining in my arms as I try to keep myself upright, holding tightly to the railings. She slowly backs away, inching away from me, eyes holding my gaze carefully, as if expecting something to happen. But nothing does. I’m still standing. I’m standing on my own.

I think my heart jumps a little at the realization.

“Kya, I-I’m, I-“

“I know kiddo.” Her voice is barely above a whisper but her lips are stretched so wide that I think she might burst if she doesn’t let that laugh that’s probably bubbling inside her out. “Told ya.”

I almost snort, huffing out a laugh at her words. She just has to have that ‘hate to say I told you so’ moment, doesn’t she? But well, who can blame her? I did spend the last 2 weeks saying I couldn’t make it more than 10 seconds of standing by myself. And here I am, 2 minutes later, doing just that.

It’s been two months since I first moved a toe. My pinky. For some reason, it was just that silly little finger that I managed to stub into just about every piece of furniture I ever owned. I moved it, two months ago. And now I’m standing.

I’m standing.

_So?_

I look down, my legs are shaky, knees buckled slightly but yup, that’s me, standing. Even though the majority of weight is on my arms and I’m really trying hard, harder than ever to hold on. It’s working, I’m working. I’m not... Broken. I was, a while ago, but I’m fixing myself. I know I am. I’m getting better. It’s getting better. It’ll be better.

I slowly look back up and she’s already stepping up towards me but just beyond her figure I spot something familiar and the ground crumbles beneath my feet. My arms lose all the strength I thought I had and I slip, both arms losing their bearings at the same moment, I can already feel myself landing flat-faced on the marble floor.

Kya’s arms are around my frame in a matter of seconds and she holds me up again, pressing herself tight against me. She’s easing me back in my chair and my heart wants to beat out of my chest because she’s still there, just behind Kya, staring at me, her eyes darkened, so much darker than mine, her hair plastered to her skin, she’s wet, dripping with mud and water and slime, a knife, the one my father gave me, in her hand and my gun – _my gun –_ in her other hand.

I blink once, twice. I blink five or six more times because she won’t go away.

“Korra, that was great!” Kya beams at my, cupping my face and leaning in, pressing a gentle kiss to my nose. “I-I’m sorry,” She mumbles quickly, pulling away, “I totally got over-excited there. But great job kiddo!”

I reach out and wrap my arms around her neck, glancing behind her.

She’s still there.

I bury my head in her hair, inhaling her calming scent and wait. A few more seconds. Just a bit more.

_Come on soldier, look at me._

I resist, as tempting as the voice sounds I’m afraid. I’m still afraid.

I close my eyes and inhale once more, and Kya’s calming scent turns into something painful, something familiar... Jinora crosses my mind, that exact moment when she looked at me one last time before she was gone forever. I’ll never forget it.

I feel Kya’s hand gently brushing over my back and it’s soothing, despite the thoughts plaguing me. My breathing’s slowing down and I think I can open my eyes again. I can.

I glance behind her and the figure’s gone.

_For now, soldier._

* * *

 

**_Asami:_ ** _What are you doing tomorrow, around 8pm?_

I start writing a reply, something along the lines of not knowing if I’ll be free but then, mid sentence, I realize – who am I kidding? I know where I’ll be.

I’ll be right here, where I always spend my evenings, doing absolutely nothing and feeling sorry for myself. I used to be brash, extremely impulsive and so hot-headed, none of my friends ever dared betting against me on anything. I used to do things before I think them through. Now all I do is think things through.

**_Korra:_ ** _Having dinner with you?_

I guess there’s still some of the old me left somewhere inside because amidst my pensive monologue I write my reply and click the send button before I can stop myself again.

**_Asami:_ ** _Great ‘cause it’d have been really awkward if I went on a date with you and you didn’t show._

I chuckle, she’s got me all figured out. She’s... A lot to take in. I’ve caught myself thinking about her more and more and in reality, I don’t mind. She makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time and, as much as it scares me, I know how attracted to her I am. She’s like a magnet.

**_Korra:_ ** _Where do I show up?_

A magnet that always knows just the right words to say to keep me hooked.

**_Asami:_ ** _Narook’s, 8.30pm. Don’t forget to bring your smile!_

A really good magnet.

 


	10. Radiance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She can do it.

Narook’s a real slick place. I’ve been places, I’ve seen fancy and all that but, I’ve never been to anywhere  this fancy, I’m not sure this ‘suit’ I have on actually qualifies for this place. Hell, if it’s this pretty on the outside, I wonder how it looks on the inside. Must be heavenly in there. Maybe I should just stay outside, where I fit better. I can’t deal with the classy crap, men in tuxedos, women in evening gowns, fake-smile waiters and stuck up, boring atmospheres.

But it’s not like I can take Asami ice-skating or something fun.

I stare a bit longer, it seems crowded tonight but then the doorman sends me a smile and, albeit reluctantly, I wheel myself towards the entrance and he’s trying to smile but it looks like a really bad grimace and, he’s obviously been told I’m coming because he’s already opened the door and asked if I needed help.

_Yes, you do need help. But no one can help you, soldier._

I shake my head and offer a sheepish smile, hoping he doesn’t ask any more questions. He doesn’t and I sigh as I let my eyes roam the space around me. It _does_ look heavenly.

I really don’t want to be here, but, I want to see Asami. I think I... Need to? Thoughts of her have been driving me crazy. It’s either Asami or _her_ in my mind and to be honest, I don’t know which is worse. The raven haired beauty is most certainly out of my league, hell, even back when I was in perfect shape I would have second guessed myself around her, probably stumbled over my words and overall given up before even talking to her. She’s stunningly gorgeous and every time I try to do something, exercise what I can, read a book, watch a show – she seems to just drift into my thoughts and I find myself imagining being well and being with her as she deserves. What can a woman like me do, anyway? I can’t even pleasure myself without wanting to cry in frustration, I can hardly imagine pleasing anyone else, in any way.

But, selfishly enough, I do want to see her. I really do, and most of all, I really want to see her smile. I’ve caught that little glimpse of something resembling a smile the first time we met up and – I really wouldn’t mind seeing the full extent of it, which I’m sure is beautiful, for the rest of my life.

_You think you deserve her smile? Look at yourself, you pathetic mutt. She won’t smile for you, she’ll laugh AT you._

I shake my head, trying to push the voice away and for once since everything that has happened, just enjoy myself. One damned time after two years.

I stretch my arms and pull them back in, crack my knuckles and continue as instructed by a woman at the front table.

Then I see Asami and I’m kind of really glad I came.

 

* * *

 

 

“And when they told me what he’d done, I had to take care of it all. It wasn’t... easy, per se, but I was already so much in it, I knew what had to be done to save as much as I can.”

I watch Asami as she speaks about her company and everything that lead to her being the CEO and the more I listen, the more it becomes obvious just how pathetic I am. She’s had to watch her mother die when she was a child, she had to go through her father’s abusive episodes to watching him be taken to jail, tried and convicted to a life in prison for his crimes and she has this gigantic company weighing down on her shoulders and hasn’t said a single word of complaint in the whole hour as we’ve spoken. In fact, she’s such a goddamn good person, she works in the shelter once a month and her company’s helped build that new orphanage near Tenzin’s building. She’s astonishingly strong.

And me? I’m a shell of what I used to be. 

I complain, on and on, bitch and shrug and don’t want to get out of bed and feel useless all because this stupid treatment is taking a little while longer.

_Aw, is the little soldier finally going to think about things?_

“Korra?” Asami asks, staring at me and I feel the beating of my heart quicken each time under that gorgeous inquisitive stare. “Where were you just now?” She asks but her lips soon curl up and that faint trace of a smile is just barely making itself known.

I find myself blurting out the words before I can even process them in my mind, the urge is simply too strong as I lean on the table, staring at her.

“I was just thinking how much I want to see you smile.”

She seems to be taken aback by my statement and well, fuck, I glance away ‘cause I know it’s really not appropriate, coming from someone who keeps changing their mind and having a really hot n’ cold opinion on this whole thing. I really want to see her smile, it’s got to be the most wonderful thing in the world and if nothing else, it might help this tugging feeling in my chest. One I haven’t felt in a while. I let one of my hands fall down on the table and a groan escapes me.

_You don’t deserve it, soldier. Leave her be._

I know I don’t really deserve to see her smile; she’s far too wonderful and so much stronger than me.

I catch some movement from the side of my eye and look back at her, and my breath hitches as our eyes meet because she’s smiling and I’m out of breath.

Her smile really is wonderful and now I think I want to be selfish, I really want to be as selfish as possible because her smile is what I want to see for a long, long time.

_You silly little soldie-_

No. I will make her smile. And I will smile back and I will let my heart flutter at the thought of her and I will not suppress this tugging any longer. I need to-

_You need to not be here, soldier. It was you who should have died, you who should be lying in that grave, YOU who is not supposed to be happy._

No...

“Really, Korra, if I’d known all it takes to make you so smitten is a simple smile, I’d have smiled the first time we met.” Asami murmurs and her smile turns into a really gorgeous albeit devious smirk and, even though I don’t know how or when, her hand is atop of mine and all I feel is the warmth spreading through me.

I focus once more on her and take in the sight – the intoxicating, genuine curve of her lips, the glint in her gorgeous green eyes and the way her forehead crinkles as she narrows her eyes – it’s all the reassuring I need.

I smile back and this time, it’s more than just a grimace, more than a mask or that horrible wall I’ve been putting up. It’s genuine, it’s... sincere.

“Well, you do have a rather stunning smile, Asami.”

 


	11. Fervour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And in the blink of an eye, the balance shifted.

I feel... empty. A part of me has been missing for a few days. That little voice, it’s gone... _She_ ’s gone. I haven’t heard a single _hey soldier_ in two days and now I’m more worried than ever. Am I... ok? What does this mean?

Ever since my date with Asami a week ago, things have been working out much better than usual. I’ve managed to stand longer and my legs don’t burn as much. Tenzin thinks I’m getting much, much better and his sister, Kya, my personal therapist, says there’s certainly been a shift in my energy. She kind of senses these things, she’s worked her whole life with people and learnt a lot about their energies and the way they emit it and stuff like that which I don’t really understand. I’m starting to feel stronger which is the only thing I care about at the moment, it’s the only thing that matters. I felt the strongest yesterday, I managed to move myself from my chair to the bed without anyone’s help and I’ve never been as proud in my life. It’s the little things, right?

But this nagging feeling in my chest, this tension... it all feels as if there’s a veil thrown over my eyes and as good as things are, I feel they might crumble. I’ve allowed myself to feel at ease, to be at peace with my state, I’ve decided I’m moving on, I said I would fight. And I am.

Asami’s waiting for me outside of Tenzin’s and as I wheel myself towards the door, I can’t help but feel anxious. She’s still here, despite the state I’m in and it terrifies me to see her. I can’t even begin to explain it, I’m thrilled, overjoyed that she wants to be here, that she is willing to stay and be by my side, without so much as a thank you. I see now that there is no reason behind it, or at least, no superficial reason. I think she’s really... into me. Which is exactly why I’m scared, scared that I’ll fail her, scared that I’ll fail myself if I give in. But in all honesty, the moment I set my walls lower, was the moment I gave in to the possibility of feeling again, of loving and caring and eventually, possibly, getting hurt.

She smiles and waves at me as I leave the house and the glimmer in her beautiful, emerald eyes is what gets my heart beating uncontrollably. She’s stunning and that smile is something I’d gladly fight for any time of the day. And by the gods, I will get better and I will fight for it.

“Hey you,” She mumbles and leans down, wrapping her arms around my neck.

I stiffen at the touch because it’s the first time she’s done something like that but the initial shock wears off in a matter of seconds and I let my hands slide to her waist and pull her in a bit closer. I’m aware it’s awkward and probably straining for her so I let go and she immediately pulls back with a silly little smile on her lips.

“Hey, sorry I... didn’t expect a hug.” I mumble, rubbing the back of my neck, “I know it’s awkward, with me being in this thing and all tha-“

“I don’t mind you being in a wheelchair.” She almost stresses the word and I know why, I understand. “And sorry, I should have asked first.”

“No!” The word flies out and I clear my throat, “I mean, no, you don’t ever have to ask. I was just, unprepared.”

“And you’ll be prepared for the next one?” Her lips pull in a smirk as she crosses her arms and stares at me.

God, those eyes. They do things to me I wasn’t ever aware of.

“I- I will.” I state, matter-of-factly.

She leans down immediately, wraps her arms around my neck the same way she did moments ago and leans in closer, much tighter than the last time.

“Sure?” She murmurs, her breath tingling against my skin as she buries her head in the crook of my neck.

I stiffen, again, because she’s managed to catch me off guard twice in a few minutes but this time I wrap my arms around her and, as fast as my heart may be pacing, I manage a gentle ‘Totally’ and smile as she giggles in my embrace.

She might just be the death of me with that heavenly giggle of hers.

I don’t mind this, at all. I’m scared, yes, and I will be until I can get up by myself in the morning, brush my teeth and take a bath without having to ask for help. I will be scared until I can come meet her for coffee without having to ask someone, Opal, to drive me there. I will be scared as long as I cannot take her hand, pull her in my arms and kiss her without doubting myself.

She’s staring at me. What did I do? Oh spirits.

“Uh, Asami?” I mumble, cautiously moving my arms away from her as I place them on my lap. She’s staring at me, eyes fixed on mine and then there’s a sudden movement – seconds long – she glances at my lips and back into my eyes and I swear, my heart just skipped a beat. It did.

“Sorry, I- I got lost in thought.” She smiles and pulls away, fixing her burgundy blouse, “You ready to go?”

“Yeah, I am. I just wish I knew where you’re taking me today.” I smile as she walks behind me and begins to push my wheelchair towards the street. The first time she asked to push the wheelchair, I said no. The second, I complied, knowing she wasn’t doing it out of sympathy. She simply wanted to make it easier for me. Which, in all honesty, I respect. It does kind of strain my arms.

“We’re gonna spend the day together, like we said we would,” Asami starts and I look up over my shoulder, meeting her gaze, “And if there’s anything you don’t like, tell me, ok?”

I nod and smile and there’s a strange, hazy moment of awkwardness, as if she wants to lean down and kiss me but – she’s reluctant and I’m kind of glad. I can’t say I don’t want to kiss her, I’ve been dreaming about her for god’s sake, but, I think it’s too early. I need a bit more time, just a little bit more.  

She hesitantly glances away and I focus my eyes on the path in front of us, noting she’s pushing me further along the street, in the direction of a park we frequently visit.

“How about a picnic first?” I hear her mumble behind me.

“I’d love that,” I answer with a smile, genuinely excited about it. I may not be able to move my legs freely yet but I can most certainly spend the day sitting down and hanging out with her. It’ll do us both good. And there’s so much I want to know about her, it’ll make for a nice opportunity to get to know her better.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s already gotten dark outside and Asami’s pushing my wheelchair down the street again, I’m humming because, it was a damned good day and I haven’t stopped smiling ever since we met up and there’s this pleasant warmth in my chest and a kind of fluttering feeling spreading through my stomach, I think – no, I know I like it.

We stop, slightly abruptly, and Asami shuffles around me, crouching down as she places her hands on my legs.

“So, Korra.” She mumbles and there’s a trace of a faint blush spreading across her cheeks.

“Y-yeah?”

“I had a wonderful time today.” Her smile is so radiant and bright, even in the darkness of the night and underneath the faint light of the street lamp, it seems to warm my heart even more.

“As did I,” I smile back and lay a hand atop of hers, squeezing gently.

“Can I-“ She stops in her words, pulling her lip between her teeth as she glances to the side nervously.

Sometimes I wish I could read minds, it would make awkward situations like this one far easier for everyone, especially for me.

“Yes?” I mumble and reach out with my free hand, cupping her cheek lightly, reluctantly. I’m still not used to this, I mean, I am and I know what I’m doing, I’ve done this before and she’s not the first woman I’ve ever been interested in but, it’s been a while and it takes time getting used to, again.

She looks back up, meets my gaze and my heart skips another few beats, probably the fourth or fifth time today. She’s been doing it quite a lot, making my heart skip a few beats, with those eyes, and their glint and that smile she throws at me and god, that hair flip she does...

“Can I kiss you?” Her voice is breathy, barely above a whisper and she’s biting her lip, nervously, I can tell she’s pondered over this for quite a while.

As have I, all day today and for the past few days. And yeah, I needed time – time I spent with her today. Because I’ve felt better today than I have for one single moment in the past two years. Even my cheeks hurt from all the smiling and laughing and the voice is gone and I’m feeling better and yeah, I really want to kiss her.

“I’d love that.” I murmur and before I know it, she’s already standing up and leaning over. It’s awkward and my being in the wheelchair is not really helping but, I couldn’t care less because when I first feel the brush of her lips against mine all thoughts kind of disappear and there’s nothing but whiteness in my mind and warmth in my chest. I move my other hand to her cheek and pull her in even more, I feel the pressure of her hands on my legs and I’m pretty sure she can hear my heart thundering in my chest, trying to hammer its way out.

Her lips are soft, gentle and so light against mine so when I pull her in, the pressure shifts and I feel the brush of her tongue against mine. I hum in approval as our tongues meet and it’s really hard to resist the quirking of my lips in a smile. But she’s smiling as well and it’s wonderful, it’s so, so wonderful.

It’s blissful and warm and gentle and all I can really do is rest my forehead against hers as I mumble a silent ‘wow’ and grin at her silent giggle.

 


	12. Oblivion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Till you come back where you belong it's just another lonely Sunday...

Being with Asami really is the nicest I’ve felt in years. She is... how should I put this...

Astounding, brilliant, amazing, breathtaking and so much more?

She really is.

It’s been two weeks since our first kiss and all I ever do these days is long for another, and another as much as she kisses me every day. But more than anything, I feel like holding her is the most comfortable I’ve ever been, it feels so natural, so... usual. As if I was supposed to be doing it.

I think we’ve managed to make everyone around us at least a tiny bit uncomfortable, though. We’ve been giggling, smiling, whispering, snuggling, kissing and whatnot ever since we’ve kissed and I can’t – no, I won’t – take my hands off of her. It feels too good, too... natural.

She comes by every day, without fail, no matter how much I tell her she shouldn’t neglect her job because of me. She ignores me most of the time and, as much as I know she shouldn’t, I don’t mind. We spend most of the time in my room, and she always has at least a book with her, ‘ _in case I fall asleep’_ she says every time. But I don’t think it’s possible because I can’t take my eyes off of her. I can’t stop staring, I can’t pull away, I want her here, with me. I feel like I’ve been missing her for the better part of my life. I dare even say I feel... more whole now that she is here. Or, better yet, I feel whole again.

“Kor?” Asami murmurs, brushing her fingers through my hair as I’m slumped against her.

It’s the first time she’s ever called me like that. This little... pet-name, nickname, whatever you wanna call it – it warms my heart in so many different ways and at the same time makes it wanna jump out of my chest. I need a moment, two, to think straight again. I didn’t think a silly little nickname would ‘cause me such... excitement.

“Hmm?”

“Hey, you okay?” She leans over, her cheek brushing against mine, “Your heart just went into berserk mode there,” She mumbles as she slides one hand down my arm and captures my wrist, pressing a finger against my pulse point there.

I chuckle, lightly, and tilt my head, pecking her cheek.

“I’m perfect.”

“Mmh, you sure are,” She smiles and leans into me more, letting go of my hand as she wraps both her arms around me and brings our bodies even closer.

I shiver at the touch, it’s so strange and so much all at once but, what’s even stranger, it feels so warm, and comforting and like... like home.

I smirk and slide my hands up, grasping at her arms and gripping to her even tighter and I can almost hear her purring as I settle into her. It’s lovely, being like this.

“So how was work today?” I manage to mumble, almost dozing off, comfortable in her arms.

“Busy,” She murmurs, lips close to my ear, “New investors, a bunch of contracts, lots of work...”

“And you’re here.”

“I am, yes.”

“Asami,” I shift slightly, pushing myself up as I tilt my head to look at her, “Please, just, you need to focus on your company, I’m not... There’s time. I’ll be right here.”

“No, Korra.” She murmurs and pecks my lips, “This is where I want to be and besides, my executives should be able to do things on their own, that is why I have them.”

“But Asa-“

“Korra.” Her voice is sterner than ever and it catches me a bit off guard. I’ve never heard her so serious.

“I... Sorry?”

“No, I’m sorry. I just... Let’s not talk about work, ok?” She smiles a sheepish smile and turns her head around, tightening her hold on me.

I lean into her and peck her chin with a relaxed sigh, dismissing all other thoughts.

“If you wish but you know my opinion.”

“I do,” She mumbles, still looking away, “And I respect it but just... I’m here, now, and here is where I want to be. Work shou- can wait.”

“Okay.” I mumble and reach out for her book. “Tell me about this one.” I sigh, again, feeling as relaxed as ever.

“Well, it’s about this amazing mystical creature called the Avatar and he’s just really amazing and can wield all the elements and he’s special because he’s the only one and others can only- Korra?”

“Huh?” I hum, barely opening my eyes to meet her gaze, “Yes?”

“You’re dozing off.” She giggles, staring at me.

“Am not.” I grin and she lets out a laugh, one I wish I could listen to all my life.

“You so are,” She murmurs and leans over, one hand running in my hair again, fingers brushing through it while she keeps the other hand still wrapped tight around me. “Come on, nap.” She kisses my forehead and I can’t help but close my eyes as I hum in approval.

Her embrace feels amazing, like everything I’ve needed for so long and soon enough, a peaceful slumber takes over me.

 

* * *

 

 

_Korra? Sweetie?_

_Please..._

_Come back..._

_Korra… Look at, Korra baby, please…_

_No, don’t! No!_

_Kor, no!_

_No, let me go, I need to, I… I need to see her! I need to… Please, just for a moment, please, just a minute, I know I…_

_Korra!_

* * *

 

I wake up with a start, shaking and shivering, with my heart pounding wildly in my chest and my breathing ragged. I feel arms wrapped tightly around me and it takes me a moment to calm down, a few breathing exercises Tenzin has taught me over the years seem to do the trick. I relax, hands still gripping the sheets below me but I manage to tilt my head and look at the figure behind me.

“Hey you,” Asami murmurs. “You okay now?”

As she speaks my heart skips a beat because her voice is the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard in my life and all of a sudden a pang of fear strikes at my very core as it dawns on me - I don’t want to lose her.

“Y-Yeah, it was just... a nightmare.” I mumble, still shaken but a smile’s pulling at my lips as I stare at her blissful face, her emerald-coloured eyes seem to bring me more peace than any prayer or a well-rested night could ever.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Asami purrs, lips pressed to my cheek.

I tilt my head once more and brush my lips against hers before shifting slowly in my spot, with her help, and kissing her fully. It lasts a while and I can feel myself becoming enveloped by her alluring scent, as if she’s all around me and almost, almost... Within me.  As I pull away I feel pain, literal, physical pain in my chest and my head starts spinning so I pull her in once more and I kiss her, breathlessly. I don’t want to be away from her.

A while later, when I’m laying with my head on her shoulder and my nose in the crook of her warm, soft neck, I mumble into her skin.

“I’m okay now.”

“Sure?” I can almost hear her smile in the word.

I look at her and push myself up, as straining as it is, but she’s already looking at me, her lips meeting mine half way. As our smiles meet and breaths mingle I huff out silently.

“I am now.”

 


	13. Fable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well I'm back! With this story, at least. So, Korra thought she was better, right? Well, as it turns out, some things take a long while. Some even forever.

“Kor?” Asami’s gentle voice awakens me from my afternoon nap in her arms and I pry my eyes opens, squinting as the setting sun disturbs my vision as it peers through the curtains.

“Afternoons are evil.” I mumble, trying to keep my eyes open longer than three seconds. “I don’t wanna get up yet.”

“Come on, you’ve been napping for hours.”

The way she says it sends shivers down my spine and in a moment – I am wide awake. There’s something about her smile lately, something about the way she touches me, the way she says my name, it feels different. As close as we’ve become lately, whenever she looks at me with that warmth and familiarity (?) in her eyes, it feels even closer.

I shift, turning to meet her eyes as she’s lying behind me on my bed, and I smile when I finally meet the forest that resides in her brilliant green eyes.

“How do you make it so warm?” I lift my hand and trace a finger down her cheek as she hums softly before answering. Well, not answering, just countering, really.

“What do you mean?” She smiles.

As my finger slips over her bottom lip I feel her shiver and pull away slightly but I let my hand drop down to her shoulder and I seize her and pull her in again, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“Don’t- don’t.” I mumble, forgetting what it is I wanted to say.

“Hm?” She hums a question against my cheek, her warm breath tickling me as she opens her mouth ever so slightly.

“Don’t pull away. You’ve been doing it lately, I can’t explain I just… I feel like you’re pulling away. Are we… Is everything alright?”

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath and at moments like these I really wish I could read her mind. She lets out a long breath and smiles.

“Everything’s perfectly fine, Korra. I just need to go, I’ve got some sketches that won’t make themselves into inventions. Someone has to, though, and that’s usually and preferably, me.” Her smile remains but I can’t help but feel it getting sourer by the second.

I think I’ve done something wrong, I must have! I’ve done something wrong and my chest tightens at the thought of not knowing what and not realizing sooner. I’m not sure what it is that I’ve done wrong but it must be something, right? Something’s changed in these past few days and it’s me, it’s got to be my fault. I can feel it.

“What’s wrong?” I mumble, looking at her lips for a moment before my gaze meets hers and my breath hitches at the sight.

Her eyes are so sad.

In the past couple of months that I’ve known her, she’s never looked at me this way, never had this much sorrow in her gaze. Her eyes are always so calm and peaceful, yes, but right now they’re also sad and distant and just… it’s not her. Not the Asami I’ve been seeing for a month and a half now. Not the same eyes that shine brightly whenever she meets me after a training session and takes me for coffee. Not the same eyes I see first thing in the morning when she stays over and cuddles with me through the night.

There’s nothing in her eyes now but sadness now and it’s all my fault, I know it. I feel it pulsing in my very being, I feel the words written and etched across my mind – it’s my fault.

“Everything’s all right.” Asami says.

_Do you remember now, Korra?_

“What?” I blink once, twice.

“It’s all right.” She says again.

I stare at her, trying to latch onto something, trying to grip to her gaze, her eyes, the calmness that has been in them so far, the warmth of her voice, the steady beat of her heart but none of it is there to hold on to! And the voice… The voice in my head, it’s… why is it back?!

I blink again and take a deep breath. No. I will not let it consume me.

_Too late, little one._

No. It can’t be. No, not again. No, _you_ were gone, I left you behind, I moved on, I said I’d fight!

_There is no more fight left in you, Korra._

No, I refuse.

My chest hurts and I can’t seem to take a breath, I try and try but all I can manage are short, broken intakes of breath and it never goes past my throat. There’s no air around me, yes it must be, there’s… I can’t!

 I feel Asami shifting and pulling me into her arms, her hand is on my back and I can feel her rubbing it in a circle and I grip to that, I grip to the image of her in front of me, to the warmth of her arms around, the tightens of her hold and the soothing circling of her hand on my back.

_Did you miss me, soldier? Why would you possibly think I’d leave you, Korra? I told you I never would, I told you I’d be the only one to stay with you forever._

No. Go away. Leave me alone.

“Korra?” I hear Asami ask and I open my mouth to say something but no voice comes out and there’s still no air to breathe in.

Please, leave me alone. Please, go, let me move on, let me live my life, I do not need you, I don’t want you!

_Yes you do, little soldier. Until you face the life you’ve left behind, you will always need me._

I don’t want to listen to this anymore and I press my hands over my ears, I try to numb the sound and push it as far away as possible and for a brief, feeble moment it seems like it’s working. Asami’s rubbing my back and it helps, god does it help, but I can’t do anything to shut my mind off. It won’t stop, she’s here and I can see her, I can see you! STOP IT! Let me go, please, stop laughing…

 “Korra, calm down.” Asami says, louder this time and it seems to help with the trance I’m in. I can finally feel her arms around me and her breath on my cheek and she doesn’t waver for a second, there is no strictness or harshness in her voice, it’s soft as ever and it helps, if only a little.

_Korra, calm down. Hah._

No, no, no, no. “No, no, no, no…” I don’t know if I’m just thinking this or saying it and my voice seems to escape me at moments, even though I still can’t take a breath. What is in my head and what leaves my mouth have become two things I cannot separate.

Why did you come back? Why? I thought you’d left. I thought I’d become ok. Please, have mercy. Leave me, for good.

_You are broken and forever will be. You can walk, run, fight and live again but you will always be broken and lost. You can’t even remember, can you?_

Remember what? I do. I remember everything!

I remember the pain I felt hours, days and months after it happened, I remember they hurt I saw in all their eyes, I remember the unbearable weight on my chest whenever I thought if Jinora – I remember it all! What else do you want me to remember? The warmth of my blood trickling down the street, the way my heart was pounding one second and then it slowed down until it actually stopped for a few? Do you want me to remember the last thing that I saw before I closed my eyes was Jinora’s terrified, broken face? What is it you want me to remember because there is nothing more... I can’t, I won’t do this again!

I was hurt – I GOT OVER IT. I did.

I got over it and I am happy. I chose to be happy, I still choose it every day. I want it, I need it – I will have my happiness. I will be happy, if not for myself then for… for her. I will make Asami smile.

_No, you won’t. The only thing you can is make her cry._

I look up, try to take a deep breath and this time, I finally do.

Asami’s eyes are on mine, she’s never stopped trying to soothe me and the feeling of her arms around me, her hands on my back and in my hair, her warm and gentle smile… It helps. I can breathe again and she’s never taken her eyes off me and I can feel her warmth spreading through me, her jasmine scent flaring my senses once again and the fog in my mind is disappearing.

“Korra.” Asami speaks again, her voice softer than ever.

“I… I’m ok.” I try.

“You’re not.”

“I am.”

“Korra.” Asami says my name again and a sob escapes me.

I finally break.

I am not okay and I know it. Even Asami knows it. _They_ both know it. _We_ _all_ know it.

 So I cry, in her arms, clutching at her shirt and trying to pull her even closer, pushing my head against her shoulder and trying to shut out the world, leave only the two of us here. I cry and cry and it feels like days but I know it’s been hours. I’m vaguely aware of her shifting and moving us both back under the covers, but I know for a fact that she never once leaves, never stops holding me.

She doesn’t ask anything, never once says a word. She only presses a kiss to my head every once in a while and it helps, if only a little.

After what seems like an eternity, Asami finally says something.

“Korra, I need you to talk to me.”

“I… I will. I promise.”

_Right. You will. Like you always did, right?_

I don’t even know what that means but I can already feel myself slipping away again. I can feel the lie that I just placed somewhere deep in my chest and just as I know I won’t tell her, I know this lie will consume me.

But I can’t have her know how pathetic and miserable I still am. No, scratch that, how pathetic I _actually_ am. I don’t want her to know that about me. Ultimately, do I even want her to know me?

I grip to her tighter and nuzzle her neck as I let my thoughts consume me once more and I realize - therein lies the pain that’s spreading through my chest every time I take a breath and realize I can’t be happy with her.

I can be happy for her and I want her to be happy but being happy with her doesn’t seem to be an option, not now, maybe not ever?

It takes me moments, brief and really stupid, painful moments to realize that the illusion I’ve been living in for the past couple of months is nothing but a ruse I’ve made myself believe in.

I am the sea, restless and hurting. I am spilling over every edge I have and Asami is the lighthouse, standing tall and firm. She is the steady beacon I so willingly cling to, the comfort I smash against and try to settle at but…

I am the sea. And she is the lighthouse.

I won’t do.

“Hold me.” I mumble, slipping my arms around her.

“Always.” She kisses my forehead and rests her head atop mine and we lay there for the rest of the evening.

I can’t stop the tears, they come in waves and feel like a flood and it doesn’t really make me feel any better, it just helps to make me empty. Emptier.

Maybe if I kick through it, it’ll go away.

Maybe if I lie more, I can make myself believe in the fairy tale again.

 


	14. Bluff

Another day, another battle. _It’s how it always goes,_ I remind myself as I stumble out of bed, almost falling on my ass as I manage to rub the sleep out of my eyes and they finally get accustomed to incessant sunrays that just won’t leave me alone. Mornings were never my thing and I don’t even try to make sense of them, I just walk around like a zombie until I feel myself awake – aware – enough to actually go downstairs, have some breakfast and talk to someone. Here at Tenzin’s it all goes much faster than back home, but it’s a routine I’ve established and I’m good with routines.

Asami hasn’t been around much since last time I... saw things, and in all honesty, maybe it’s better that way.

I do want her here, I want to see her, I want to hold her but she seems to be slipping away little by little and with my visions – nightmares – back, maybe it’s for the better if she just stays away and doesn’t latch onto me further, just leaves while we’re still not so close and doesn’t end up hurting twice as much. It hurts, yes, because she... I... I’ve never wanted anyone to stay as much as I want her now but there’s such an eerie feeling around us, so many unspoken words clouding our relationship that I’m afraid we’re not really going to get far with it. Not with me lying and her... leaving.

She’s supposed to come by today but I don’t think Tenzin’s is the best place for us to be seeing each other. So as soon as I finally stagger out of my room, I head for the living room, pick up the phone and give her a call. I left my phone at hers a few days ago and I haven’t seen her since so it’s a good thing I memorized her phone number. Along with her smile and her gentle eyes, warm arms and steady breaths. Just thinking about her makes me feel all tingly inside.

_Tingly? Get a grip, you pathetic, sad little creature. Look at yourself. Just look at yourself in that mirror over there, take a long, deep, contemplative look and tell me – why shouldn’t she leave?_

The voice is back and I don’t even bother trying to ignore it or push it away – it has a mind of its own and it’s a part of me, no matter how hard I try and fight against it. There’s no use, I’m still going to lose. It’s overwhelming. And it’s right, always so right.

I glance at the mirror to my left and wince at the sight of myself – hair dishevelled, lips chapped, eyes bloodshot and – empty. Nothing that used to be there can be found now and as blue as they may be, they’re nothing like the shade they were. Even I can tell.

I avert my eyes, unable to stand the sight any longer, even more so because the voice, _she_ , was right once again, and I turn around as Pema’s voice startles me.

“Morning, Korra,” She mumbles, “Joining us for breakfast today?” There’s a spring to her step I’ve not seen in a while and her voice even sounds a little sweeter.

I perk up and offer a smile, “I will, just let me call Asami.”

“Of course, sweetie,” Pema says, smiling back at me – but unlike me, her smile is actually genuine – and moves inside the kitchen, disappearing behind the door.

I dial Asami’s number and wait. It takes three rings before her familiar, lovely voice greets me.

“Asami Sato speaking,” She says, sounding a little confused, obviously not recognizing the number since I never called her from here.

“Hey Asami,” I say, “It’s Ko-“

“Korra,” She says, her voice immediately warmer, “Is everything okay?” The confusion in her voice is replaced with worry and it sends a sting to my heart, knowing she worries about me that much.

But it also spread a little warmth in my chest, knowing that she still actually – maybe – cares.

“No, no, everything’s alright, I was just thinking, can we meet somewhere else tonight?”

“Oh, of course! Anywhere in particular?”

“I didn’t actually have anywhere in mind...” My voice trails off as I realized I hadn’t exactly given this much thought and the little of conscience I have in my brain right now is slowly starting to panic, “I m-mean if y-you’re up for it maybe somewhere for d-drinks or something?”

“Wanna come over to my place?” Asami asks, her voice firm and warm.

“Are you sure?” 

I need confirmation. I need her to tell me more than that. I need to hear her says she wants me there because this doubt, this hatred I harbour towards myself is not making this easier.

“Of course I’m sure, Korra. You’re always welcome at my place.”

It’s not exactly the words I’d hoped to hear but it’ll be enough. She wants me there.

_She’s just saying it, soldier._

“Are you really sure?” I ask again, my doubts taking over, “We can meet at a bar or something...”

“No,” Asami says, sternly, “I want you to come over to my place and we can have a few drinks there. Watch a movie and maybe order pizza. Something. Anything.” She mouths everything in one gulp and I open my mouth to say something but she’s already ahead again, “I have to go, I have a meeting in 5 minutes but I want you to come Korra and you better be there, say, nine pm?”

“S-Sure, yeah. I’ll be there,” I mumble, a smile playing across my lips. My legs feel kind of wobbly and it’s a frightening feeling so I lean against the wall, but I’m going back to Asami’s again and I won’t let my doubts eat me away. “I’ll see you at nine.”

“Can’t wait,” Asami murmurs, “See you later then, bye!”

“Bye!” I call out as the line goes off and I place the phone back down in its place. I stare at it for a few moments then glance at the mirror again, groaning at the sight before I run my hand through my hair and huff out with newfound determination and a smirk playing on my lips.

I may be a rollercoaster of emotions but I’ll be damned if I won’t look good tonight.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, [genius beta](http://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherShotofBourbon/pseuds/AnotherShotofBourbon)!  
> Yeeeah, that's a totally random idea I got while away on vacation, it'll be a fic I'll upload on very random occasions, probably more than once a day (as I write) in short chapters.
> 
> For more of my works visit my profile here and for news about updates, my writing in general and just a bunch of random stuff, mostly filled with Korrasami, follow me on [Tumblr :)](mannequin.tumblr.com)


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